Are you considering writing a memoir but are hesitant because you’re worried about upsetting your family? What if your family doesn't want you to write your memoir or doesn't want you to include them? It’s a common concern, and it’s important to consider the issue, yet the concern shouldn’t stop you from writing.

Family Memories Differ

It’s nearly universal that our memories of events don’t perfectly match those of others, particularly family members. It is both true that your story is yours to tell, and you don’t want to offend or hurt your family member. You may even be concerned that someone would sue you.

You Own, and You Owe in the Story of Your Memoir

Your memoir is your story, and you have the right to tell it. It’s your chance to express your truth and your perspective. A memoirist works to be fair, to admit on the page that others in the family see events differently. You also should not be a schmuck and give background information. If your mother didn’t give you all the attention you needed but held down a full-time job, took classes trying to improve herself and earning potential, and did this all while suffering from MS, that’s got to be a part of the story. Your desire to tell your story may haunt you. Never writing a memoir may be a lasting regret. If you need to tell your story, begin.

Bold Truth-telling and Compassion

But how do you balance the desire to tell your story with the fear of hurting your loved ones? The key is to approach the situation with empathy and compassion. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand how they might feel. Think about how you would feel if someone wrote about you in a way that you found hurtful or embarrassing.

Practical Steps You Can Take to Navigate This Delicate Situation

Motives

Before you start writing, reflect on your motivations for writing your memoir. Are you doing it for yourself, or do you hope to make money or gain fame? Be honest with yourself about your intentions and make sure they align with your values. Are you trying to get revenge? Don’t. Seek a higher purpose.

Communicate, yet don’t Give Up Control of Your Creative Process

Communicate with your family: It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your family before you complete your memoir. Let them know that you’re writing and explain why it’s important to you. Be willing to listen to their concerns and try to find a way to address them. You might even consider sharing your manuscript (or portions they appear in) with them before it’s published so that they have a chance to provide feedback. I do not recommend sharing your drafts with family members early on. Do ask questions and talk to them, but don’t thwart your creative process.

Every Detail?

Be respectful: When writing about your family, be respectful of their feelings and privacy. Avoid revealing information that could be embarrassing or damaging and consider changing names or details to protect their anonymity. Remember that you can still tell your story without divulging every detail. You can even decide to fictionalize everything and publish it as a novel. You can change details for privacy in your memoir, but you need to disclose this in your introduction. Readers like a narrator who questions their own actions and responses and tells the truth without bashing others. Counterintuitively, when writers try to make themselves look too good, readers don’t like or believe them. Truth is complicated, and the authenticity of an honest, reflecting narrator is at the core of a good memoir.

You May Need Experts

Consider professional guidance: If you’re still unsure how to proceed, consider working with a professional writer or editor who has experience with memoirs. It’s always a good idea to get legal advice. Professionals can guide how to approach the situation and help you craft a memoir that’s both honest and respectful. You may have your family sign off on the story. You don’t need to do this to begin writing. If you have concerns, Lock your desk and password-protect your computer.

Compassion, Empathy, and Practicalities

Your memoir could become the central legacy of your life. It’s essential to consider the impact your words might have on your family members, but it’s also important to remember that you have the right to tell your story. By approaching the situation with empathy and compassion and taking practical steps to address your family’s concerns, you can write a memoir that’s both honest and respectful.  If you can’t come to terms with your family, you can fictionalize the details in a novel and still leave a legacy of the story you wanted to tell.   Good luck!